It is just like yesterday that I saw you, FaceTime with you, had hugged you. All of a sudden, you are not there anymore. There are no such explanations that can help me to express how I felt about this whole situation. Even though, deep in our minds, we already know this probably will happen. I thought I was ready to accept the truth, but somehow, something still broke, shattered, turned into sand and spread inside my heart.
The stages of grief
I started to look for any substance that could help me numb everything. But I am not sure I am broken. Whisky? Give me that. Wine? I can have it like drinking OJ. The funny thing is more fucked up I was, the soberer I became the following day. This kind of forces me to face the truth, I now officially have no father. I believe he is up somewhere, looking down at me. He was probably smiling that I successfully passed the bar to apply for the scholarship for my Master’s degree.
Everyone told me they had a dream about my dad after he passed away, which I had none of. In my culture, loved ones will come to their beloved’s dream to let them know that he is doing well, to show there is nothing for them to worried about. Since my grandpa passed away, the only one I had a dream of, I never dreamt about anyone else after. Even though I try hard to dream of it, it just doesn’t work. Probably something with me is horribly wrong. I cannot grieve properly. I do not know if that is a gift or a curse. The only thing I could do was sink myself into booze and hope I felt something.
He was a rigorous father he was. Yes, he was. Even after I became an adult and started to be in charge of most of my life, he still treated me like I were a kid. I know this is probably the general thing in Asian culture. However, not for these years before. His health conditions are significantly worsening, and he often suffers from pain and insomnia with liver and kidney failure. He becomes numb. Sometimes I don’t know if he is here or not. There is so much to talk about, but I can put no words into this blog. Right before I went to Australia for my degree, we had a long serious talk about I might not be able to see you after I went back to Taiwan. I still cannot imagine that would open the door, and you are not there cries at me to bring something to you. I hopped on the aeroplane as soon as I submitted my last assignment. It was an overnight flight, and I could not sleep at all. I asked for so much wine to try to fall asleep but failed. All the ceremonies are like a dream. I must detach myself somehow. I cried a little bit. However, that is it. No tears are coming out anymore. If someone says I am very good at moving on, I would not believe you. I am still sad, and I am still heartbroken. I still want to shout and drink myself to half-death. However, life must go on. It does not mean I do not love my father. Even some of the memories are sad and angry. I still love him more than any other person in my life.
I love you every day. And now I will miss you every day.
I love you every day with all my heart. You brought me to this world and food to the table. You make the life I have every single bit of it. You always said that the mother of the family is the centre. For me, you are the one who keeps the family together. Ever since you are gone, this family has been falling apart. No one wants to gather now because you were not there messaging and calling every one of your siblings to come home to grab a bite. You were an essential part of the family. Now things have changed. You always say we have to take care of mom. We will. You are always afraid that mom has no money to live on. We will take care of it. Do not you worried. We got it covered, Dad.
There is so much more I want to express in this blog post, but so less is being typed here. But life goes on.